where am i going

i have been having such a feeling of "where am i going?" for so long. it isn't just because of being laid off from a job i had for 12.5 years. i was feeling it while i worked there, too. i want so much for the answers to fall out of the sky so i can say, "oh, that's what i'm supposed to do." but it never happens. i even look other places besides the sky, and they give me no answers either. google for instance. i keep hoping i can type in my life questions and maybe someone, God, an angel, someone, will cause the answer to come up when i hit search. all i ever find are blogs by other people like me asking the same questions, probably hoping that God or an angel will post a reply.

i know the feelings have intensified lately because of money worries. unemployment ran out; they only paid as long as i was going to school, then i was expected to graduate and instantaneously find a job. i've been out since december 10 and no job yet. i suspect it's probably pretty much the same old, same old: "you're overqualified," which boils down to, "you're overeducated." it is so laughable how we are pushed to get more and more and more education, but then it blows up in our faces.

i'll let you in on a secret. i got my degree in education, and i got it in flying colors, but ... i don't want to teach. i've been thinking it, but i haven't said it to anyone. my family is so dead set on me being a teacher, and they are so out of sorts that i'm even looking around at other jobs. they try to comfort themselves (in the guise of comforting me) that it will only be until a teaching job opens up. i cannot stand the thought of being caged in a classroom all day, day after day. fuck, i hated it when i was student. i don't want to be imprisoned by unbending schedules and frowning, judgmental administrators. i've been out there amongst the teachers. i've interned and i've subbed. i see the same frustration in them, and i hear it out of their own mouths. i don't want it.

i remember talking to my sister about this sort of thing back when i was first laid off. she talked about people doing things out of fear instead of doing it because they really wanted to. people take crappy jobs that they are unhappy with because they are in fear. and the people around them fear, too. they fear for their loved one's well being, and they fear that this person will stop fitting the neat, round peghole they have so carefully carved out for them. they want that person to stay the same and stay predictable and stay someone they can understand.

i feel my skin being scraped and irritated as they try to push me into that hole that is shaped nothing like me.